Mid-Thirties Slightly Hot Mess Female Seeking Billionaire by J. S. Cooper

To Whom it May Concern,

This is a long shot.
I’m seeking a billionaire; I will also settle for a millionaire. Sorry, I’m not interested in any salesmen looking to sell me a time-share or a part of their animal balloon company (been there, done that).
I am not a gold digger, though you may not believe that. I have references. Ask all my broke exes and my best friends.
To be fair, I am not a glamorous model, actress, or professional dancer. I do, however, take pole dancing lessons (for fun, of course, not dollar bills).
I am an educated (still have the student loans to prove it), open-minded (toy stores are fun, and not for games), fairly cute (when I try), only a little curvy (those last thirty pounds don’t want to leave) single female. I want to be swept off my feet, wined, dined, and bedded in ways that make me forget my name.
I have a job (that I hate), with a boss that makes me want to jump off a cliff. However, my friends make up for the day job. I’m ready for an adventure. And possibly a penthouse with a maid and a design budget.
If interested, please respond before Monday morning so I don’t have to go in to work.

Love,
Sultry Sassy Sarah

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Note to self. Don’t write stupid ads while half drunk and hanging out with immature, obnoxious friends. Certainly, do not post them on the internal company message thread by mistake. Do not freak out when your boss says he wants to see you in the office first thing Monday morning. And please never make a joke, asking how many dollar bills he has to make it rain, ever again.