Everything We Left Behind by Kerry Lonsdale

Table of Content

• 1. PRAISE FOR KERRY LONSDALE Everything We Keep A TOP AMAZON BESTSELLER OF 2016 AND WALL STREET JOURNAL BESTSELLER LIZ & LISA BEST BOOK OF THE MONTH SELECTION POPSUGAR AND REDBOOK FALL MUST-READ SELECTION “This fantastic debut is glowing with adrenaline-inducing suspense and unexpected twists. Don’t make other plans when you open Everything We Keep; you will devour it in one sitting.” —Redbook magazine “Aimee’s electrifying journey to piece together the puzzle of mystery surrounding her fiancé’s disappearance is a heart-pounding reading experience every hopeless romantic and shock-loving fiction-lover should treat themselves to.” —POPSUGAR “You’ll need an ample supply of tissues and emotional strength for this one . . . From Northern California author Kerry Lonsdale comes a heart-wrenching story about fate sweeping away life in an instant.” —Sunset magazine “Gushing with adrenaline-inducing plot, this is the phenomenally written debut every fall reader will be swooning over.” —Coastal Liv
• 2. Unnamed
• 3. ALSO BY KERRY LONSDALE Everything We Keep All the Breaking Waves
• 4. Unnamed
• 5. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Text copyright © 2017 Kerry Lonsdale Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher. Published by Lake Union Publishing, Seattle www.apub.com Amazon, the Amazon logo, and Lake Union Publishing are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates. ISBN-13: 9781477823972 ISBN-10: 1477823972 Cover design by Damonza
• 6. For my parents, for keeping the faith
• 7. CONTENTS PROLOGUE JAMES CHAPTER 1 JAMES CHAPTER 2 CARLOS CHAPTER 3 JAMES CHAPTER 4 CARLOS CHAPTER 5 JAMES CHAPTER 6 CARLOS CHAPTER 7 JAMES CHAPTER 8 CARLOS CHAPTER 9 JAMES CHAPTER 10 CARLOS CHAPTER 11 JAMES CHAPTER 12 CARLOS CHAPTER 13 JAMES CHAPTER 14 CARLOS CHAPTER 15 JAMES CHAPTER 16 CARLOS CHAPTER 17 JAMES CHAPTER 18 CARLOS CHAPTER 19 JAMES CHAPTER 20 CARLOS CHAPTER 21 JAMES CHAPTER 22 CARLOS CHAPTER 23 JAMES CHAPTER 24 CARLOS CHAPTER 25 JAMES CHAPTER 26 CARLOS CHAPTER 27 JAMES CHAPTER 28 CARLOS CHAPTER 29 JAMES CHAPTER 30 CARLOS CHAPTER 31 JAMES EPILOGUE CLAIRE EPILOGUE CARLOS EPILOGUE JAMES AUTHOR’S NOTE ACKNOWLEDGMENTS BOOK CLUB DISCUSSION QUESTIONS ABOUT THE AUTHOR
• 8. PROLOGUE JAMES Six Months Ago December 18 Puerto Escondido, Mexico He dreamed about her again. Blue eyes so bright and hot they branded his soul. Waves of brunette curls stroked his chest as she moved over him, kissing his heated skin. They’d be married in two months. He couldn’t wait to wake up with her each morning and love her as his wife, exactly how she was loving him now. There was something important he had to tell her. Something urgent he had to do. Whatever it was remained elusive on the foggy edges of his mind. He narrowed his focus, homing in on the thought until he could . . . Protect her. He had to protect his fiancée. His brother would hurt her again. He saw his brother, the conviction in his expression. It bordered on insanity. They were on a boat. He had a gun and was making threats. His brother pointed the gun at him, so he dove into the water. The ocean was wild, dragging him under. He felt himself sinking. Bullets sprayed the surface and shot past his head and torso,
• 9. CHAPTER 1 JAMES Present Day June 21 San Jose, California Dying is a whole lot easier than coming back to life. The amount of paperwork required to reinstate his identity is enough to suck the life back out of him. Maybe he should have stayed dead. Because there sure as hell isn’t anything worthwhile left for him here. The thought skips through James’s mind like a grounder across a baseball field, slamming hard into the outfield wall. It leaves a dull ache in his temple and a hollowness in his chest. He stares at the San Jose skyline outside the window of his brother Thomas’s office at Donato Enterprises. Glass buildings reflect the setting sun in radiant displays of gold and orange. Six and a half years lost, and there isn’t a damn thing he can do, medically speaking, to recapture that time. But he remembers the day he left Aimee as though it were yesterday. He paces in front of the window, plagued by the conversation they had the night before he left. “I’ll be away for less than a wee
• 10. CHAPTER 2 CARLOS Five and a Half Years Ago December 1 Puerto Escondido, Mexico He lurked outside Casa del sol’s beach bar, that guy who came with Aimee. Ian, that was his name. Camera slung over his shoulder, he looked at me every so often. Why was he still here? He should have left with her. Imelda Rodriguez, the hotel’s owner and the woman who posed as my sister, told me Aimee had flown home the day before, a few hours after I’d dropped her off at the hotel. The only reason I knew that was because I’d come by the hotel again this afternoon to deliver Imelda a clear message: Stay away from me and my sons. She was not my sister or their aunt. I didn’t want her in our lives. She’d schemed, she’d manipulated, she’d lied. All so she wouldn’t lose her hotel, of which she was behind on payments. Thomas Donato had paid her to keep up the fabricated life he created for me. I still didn’t know why he felt the need to involve Imelda. And at the moment I didn’t give a flying crap about him. Sitt
• 11. CHAPTER 3 JAMES Present Day June 21 San Jose, California “Papá will be angry.” “Who cares? He’s always angry. He’s also not our real papá.” Julian reprimands Marcus for what James thinks is the millionth time. Marcus, or Marc, as he’s come to call him, must be sick of his brother’s attitude. James sure is. From the conference-room entrance, he watches Julian launch a spitball at the window. He’s been busy while James was with Thomas. Spitballs dot the glass like falling snow. Julian shreds a napkin, wads the paper in his mouth, and blows through the plastic straw they found for their sodas in the lunchroom. The gooey wad splatters against the window and sticks. Enough. “Julian,” James snaps with authority, a tone he adopted too quickly after first “meeting” the boys last December. Julian jolts. He tosses the straw under the conference table. James narrows his eyes on the wadded masterpiece. What a mess. Most of the office staff has gone home. He left the boys alone in the conference ro
• 12. CHAPTER 4 CARLOS Five and a Half Years Ago December 8 Puerto Escondido, Mexico It was dark when I stumbled up my driveway. Fourth night this week I’d spent with Patrón, liquid gold and the only remedy that got me through the lonely evening hours. After mucking through another day teaching art classes, organizing the gallery’s next season of showings, and finalizing contracts on several commissioned works, I left my car at work and landed on a stool at La cantina de perrito, a bar down the street from my gallery. Natalya wouldn’t be happy. The boys had been asking why I hadn’t been around much. Because your dad’s a ticking time bomb, that’s why. Glancing up at the second floor, their bedroom windows black squares against the house’s white stucco paint, I craved a sense of normalcy. To go back to the way things were before Aimee had shown up. Face angled toward their windows, I stepped backward and stumbled over a planter edge. My shoulder slammed hard into the adobe wall lining my prope
• 13. CHAPTER 5 JAMES Present Day June 22 Los Gatos, California James should have known returning to his childhood home would reward him with a restless night. He floats in and out of sleep. The cold, deathly quiet interior of a house that’s too large for the three of them keeps him awake. So does his overactive mind. He tosses in the bed, the sheets tangling around his legs. He worries about his sons adjusting to their new country. He’s concerned they’ll never see him as the father they once had. He’s paranoid he’ll hear Phil walking down the hallway. And the person he wants to talk to the most, the one he used to talk to every day, is the one person he can’t call. James groans, rolling to his feet. He pads barefoot through the house, triple-checking the locks, then flips the thermostat switch. The fan rumbles to life. Vents creak, stirring the air, erasing the oppressive stillness in the house. Maybe the white noise will help him rest. Remarkably, he misses the ocean outside his bedroom wi
• 14. CHAPTER 6 CARLOS Five Years Ago June 17 Puerto Escondido, Mexico Marcus upended a bucket over his head. He squealed, kicking his chubby legs as sand spilled over his naked body, sticking to patches of sunscreen-soaked skin. I added another tower to the castle that I was building and Marcus was determined to destroy it. He waved his arms, knocking over another wall. “Marcus.” I grabbed him by the armpits and planted his bare ass farther from our sand masterpiece. I passed over his bucket and shovel. “Here, knock over your own castle.” He grinned and stuffed a fistful of sand in his mouth. “Don’t eat it.” I grabbed his wrist and swiped my fingers across his tongue. Marcus started to chew and I heard the crunch of coarse granules. His face scrunched up like a wad of paper and his brown eyes widened as he looked up at me in confusion. “See what happens when you eat sand?” He blew raspberries. Saliva-drenched sand drooled from the corners of his mouth. I chuckled, turning back to the sand c
• 15. CHAPTER 7 JAMES Present Day June 22 Los Gatos, California “You’re Señora Carla?” “Well . . . yes,” she says as though this revelation shouldn’t be a surprise to him. James swears. He can’t believe it. Claire vacationed in Puerto Escondido every summer and Christmas holiday for the past five years. She’d become close enough to Carlos and his sons that she was practically family. She hadn’t once told them she was family. James clamps his hands behind his neck and glances wildly around the kitchen. When would the lying and deceit end? Marc shoves past him and hugs Claire around her waist. He presses the side of his face against her belly. Claire gasps; then the biggest smile James recalls seeing on her appears. She rests her hands on Marc’s back, holding him against her. “You love him.” The words sound like an accusation. A pulling sensation ripples through him. He jerks his gaze away, envious of the affection his mother doles out for his son. Her grandson. James shoves down the sour knot
• 16. CHAPTER 8 CARLOS Five Years Ago June 22 Puerto Escondido, Mexico My heart slammed in my chest the way it had the day my wife died, when the nurse had placed Marcus in my arms and Raquel had put her trust in me. My past was as much an unknown to her as it was to me, yet we’d fallen in love and married. She’d given me her son Julian. And now I could lose him. I gunned the open-top Jeep on the Costera, shifting to a higher gear. The wind dried the sweat in my hair but offered no escape from the heat, let alone Imelda’s concerns about my documentation. And those concerns were valid. Though I hadn’t had issues, I did wonder about the cards in my wallet. Alarms didn’t sound and the authorities hadn’t come running when I married Raquel, adopted Julian, and paid my taxes. That didn’t mean my paperwork hadn’t been forged. It only meant I hadn’t done anything to show up as a blip on someone’s radar screen. I could carry on with my modus operandi: maintain the gallery, socialize with the neighbor
• 17. CHAPTER 9 JAMES Present Day June 22 Los Gatos, California “Aimee.” Her name fills the room before he realizes he spoke it out loud. The agony from not seeing her, hearing the smooth richness of her voice, folding her lean frame in his arms, the press of her feminine curves against his solid plane, floods the hollowness inside him. It nearly brings him to his knees. The bottle slips from his fingers, lands with a thud on the wool carpet. Amber liquid bleeds into the cream fibers, soaking the sole of his bare foot. He barely feels it. Every sense is sharply tuned to the woman in the vehicle parked out front. The headlights turn off; then after a few ticks of the ugly, ancient clock behind him, a family heirloom someone had the terrible sense to leave behind, they turn on again. It’s as though Aimee’s trying to decide what to do. She’s going to leave. Like his beer-soaked foot, James hardly registers his long stride consuming the distance between them, or the front door slamming into the
• 18. CHAPTER 10 CARLOS Five Years Ago June 25 Puerto Escondido, Mexico Señora Carla showed up at El estudio del pintor this afternoon. She’d seen Julian at the beach with his friends and he told her where to find my gallery. She said she wanted to see my work, but I think she was lonely. “Your work is so different,” Carla said with fascination. She wore white cropped pants and a pink blouse, tailored and expensive-looking. Several bracelets dropped from her sleeves, landing on her wrist bone when she lowered her arm. Diamonds glittered as she moved. “Different from what?” I asked, rolling my sleeves as I approached her. She lifted an angular shoulder. “From what I expected. They’re bright and dynamic.” I glanced at the painting she admired, a surfer riding a colossal wave. I’d taken an impressionistic approach, using palette knives. The canvas was a study in blue, the surfer a weightless body as though he were flying down the wave’s glassy surface. Which was the feeling surfers described wh
• 19. CHAPTER 11 JAMES Present Day June 25 Saratoga, California James doesn’t see any other option. He and the boys must go to Kauai. Natalya’s home. Thomas wants James and Phil to meet at his office, but James doesn’t see the point. He still doesn’t remember what happened that day and as long as he doesn’t, Phil will deny he fired the gun at James. What has James running from his brothers is Carlos’s desperate plea to keep Julian and Marc safe. And he can’t do that when the chance of coming home to Phil in the kitchen instead of his mother is anything greater than his remembering what had incited the fugue state in the first place. He also needs a place to think, about where he and his sons go from here. Because he has come to accept he can’t live in the same town as Aimee and not be with her. His decision to return to Los Gatos is just another in a long line of bad judgment calls. But Nick thinks going to Kauai is a mistake. James’s best friend told him as much in the Garners’ backyard ove
• 20. CHAPTER 12 CARLOS Five Years Ago July 8 Puerto Escondido, Mexico I woke as the sun rose over the crest of the mountains to the east and ran my morning route, ten kilometers through the streets of Puerto Escondido with a finish on the hard-packed sand of Zicatela Beach. Broken clouds billowed overhead, revealing patches of golden blue, and electricity charged the air. Wind pushed inland. Natalya was waiting for me as I walked up the beach, calves burning and body drenched. She sat on the half wall, drinking coffee. She was leaving in a few days. I’d drive her to the airport, kiss her good-bye, and make her promise me to call when she landed. She’d ask me again when I planned to fly to California. I stopped in front of her and she smiled up at me. “Good morning.” Gripping the back of her head, I gave her a quick, hard kiss. “Good morning.” She wrinkled her nose. “You need a shower.” “Only if you join me.” I sat beside her, groaning as I bent over to untie my Nikes. “Hard run?” “A good ru
• 21. CHAPTER 13 JAMES Present Day June 27 Lihue, Kauai, Hawaii James can’t sit still. His fingers tap the chair arm separating his seat from his sons’, and his knees bounce. He borrows a colored pencil from Marc just so he can hold on to something. It isn’t a paintbrush, but his fidgety fingers don’t care. What he doesn’t care for is why he’s nervous. Toward the end of the flight, Julian looks at him, annoyed, so James stands and paces the aisle. When the pilot puts on the seatbelt sign and announces their descent, his chest muscles spasm. He’s finally meeting Natalya face-to-face. A woman who knows him intimately. Up until six months ago, their relationship was serious, like sexting and up-all-night-naked-under-the-sheets serious. James groans and sinks into his chair, snapping the belt across his lap. He tells his sons to start packing their backpacks and helps Marc organize his colored pencils, picking up the ones that rolled onto the floor. Five of them, about the number of times he and
• 22. CHAPTER 14 CARLOS Five Years Ago August 13 Puerto Escondido, Mexico and San Jose, California It took two weeks after Natalya left for me to work up the courage to book my travel reservations to California, which I made for another two weeks out. Even though I gave myself time to prepare, nerves twisted my stomach days before my flight, and not solely because of my fear of traveling with my condition. Going to California meant that I trusted Thomas’s word, that my identification wasn’t forged and that I wouldn’t be stopped by Customs and imprisoned or deported. Despite my fears, I had to go. I had to learn whether I could trust James to care for Julian and Marcus. I also wanted to know more about why and how Jaime Carlos Dominguez came to be. Thomas wouldn’t give me the answers over the phone. He had to tell me in person. If that was the case, then it would be on my own terms, which was why I didn’t tell Thomas I was coming. I didn’t want him censoring who and what I saw just to convinc
• 23. CHAPTER 15 JAMES Present Day June 27 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii Julian and Marc climb into the rear seat of Natalya’s open-top Jeep Wrangler. It’s not lost on James she drives the same type of vehicle Carlos had owned. Claire grimaces when James orders Marc to scoot to the center. He insists Claire sit with the boys. “You wanted the chance to catch up with them.” He smirks. Natalya glances at him when he settles in the passenger seat. He buckles up and smiles over at her. She blushes before her gaze slides away. She slaps on a sunscreen-stained, flat-billed cap with the Hayes Boards logo, which is a surfboard riding the company name where the letters H-A-Y-E-S are styled to look like a wave. She shifts the Jeep into gear, her movements rough, and the vehicle jerks forward. Other than responding to his questions in clipped phrases, Natalya is quiet during the forty-minute drive to Princeville. Her reception as cool as her tone the other day on the phone. James reads her signals loud and cle
• 24. CHAPTER 16 CARLOS Five Years Ago August 14 San Jose, California Thomas swung open the passenger door with a flourish and gestured inside. “Let’s go for a ride.” “I’ll pass, thanks.” I tightly gripped the phone. It buzzed incessantly. “How about I meet you at your office tomorrow?” Thomas leaned on the door. “Come on, Carlos. You look like shit and I bet you’re hungry. The least I can do is buy you lunch.” As if he hadn’t done enough already. “How did you know I was coming?” “Isn’t that the million-dollar question?” He smirked. “I’m ready to talk if you’re ready to listen. Last time you threw a temper tantrum.” He scratched his cheek where I’d punched him last December. I wasn’t in the mind-set yet to meet with him. I had my own game plan. Plans Natalya and I repeatedly drilled through. Spontaneity wasn’t in the rule book, and neither was a tour with Thomas as the guide. I spun around, looking for the rental-car kiosks. “I’ll get my own car and follow you.” “You have no idea who anyone
• 25. CHAPTER 17 JAMES Present Day June 27 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii That evening, they barbecue chicken—chicken Natalya purchased at the local fresh market. The sun sets in a vibrant array of lavender and gold. A spectacular sight, one he’d paint should he have the inclination to do so, which he doesn’t. Natalya watches the sun drop below the horizon and he feels a similar drop of disappointment in himself. She’d longed for him to paint her sunset. James steals glances at her from where they eat on the lanai, twirling his fork like he does with paintbrushes. Conversation between them has been stilted, and at times he’s convinced she keeps the chatter going with his sons so she doesn’t have to engage with him. “Today was awesome, Tía Nat.” Julian yawns the announcement and Marc follows suit. He rubs his eyes. “Can we catch some waves tomorrow?” Julian asks. “I want to build more sand castles.” Marc yawns again. James covers his own yawn. They are used to a later time zone. Puerto Escondido is f
• 26. CHAPTER 18 CARLOS Five Years Ago August 15 San Jose, California A muffled noise echoed through the room. It sounded like a hammer pounding nails into walls, but felt as if it were happening inside my head. White-hot pain shot across my scalp. Thump, thump, thump. I peeled open sleep-crusted eyes to a dark room. I blinked and blinked again, trying to adjust to the pitch-blackness. Thump, thump, thump. “Carlos!” My name came through the walls. Memories from last night, or lack of them, scattered inside my brain like tumbleweeds on an empty road. No direction and completely at the wind’s mercy. At some point in the morning hours, I’d closed the privacy shade to block the sunlight. I couldn’t see shit. I ground the heels of my palms into my eye sockets. Thump, thump, thump. “Open the damn door, Carlos, before I call the front desk and demand they do it for me.” “Coming,” I croaked. I rolled out of bed, stumbling to a knee. The migraine that burned like a forest fire had waned during the ni
• 27. CHAPTER 19 JAMES Present Day June 27 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” James lunges to his feet. The back of his legs itch from grass and sand, but he ignores it. “What in the world are you talking about?” Natalya tilts her head. The glow from the house lights outline her silhouette, leaving her face dark. He can’t read her expression. “The paperwork. What’s it for?” he asks more specifically. “Guardianship of Julian and Marcus. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?” He raises bent arms. “No!” “But you said on the phone . . .” She stalls. “I said what?” He moves a step closer. She frowns and takes a deep, shaky breath. “Jeez, this is confusing. I was talking about Carlos, not you. It’s that every time I look at you, I see . . . him.” While today is the first time he’s seen her in person, she’s been around him for years. The reconstructive surgery to his face helped Aimee separate him from Carlos in her mind, but to Natalya, he looks identical to the man she loved. Her shoulders bo
• 28. CHAPTER 20 CARLOS Five Years Ago August 15 Los Gatos, California Several weeks after Aimee showed up in Mexico and Imelda told me what she knew of my situation and the role she played, I received a package in the mail from Thomas. An iPhone. Aimee had downloaded James’s contacts, music, and photos from his iCloud account when Thomas got word to her the phone was for me. Just in case I found use for it. I hadn’t, until now. I’d brought the phone with me and charged it while I showered. Natalya brewed coffee and when the phone could be powered on, she scrolled through James’s contacts. Then she looked through his photos. “There are a lot of pictures of you and Aimee,” she said, her tone flat, giving me the phone after I’d dressed. She twisted her hair, her attention drifting to my phone on the desk where there were plenty of snapshots of us. “Hey,” I murmured. My hand cupped her face. I skimmed my thumb over her freckled cheek, the skin as smooth as expensive bedsheets. “I love you.” I k
• 29. CHAPTER 21 JAMES Present Day June 28 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii Wired for an earlier time zone, James wakes before the sun. Rain drums outside, as it did on and off through the night. He changes into the running shorts and shirt he set out the night before and laces up his Nikes. It’s been too many weeks since he left the boys alone. Last winter he just didn’t care. He’d take off for a ninety-minute run and think nothing of leaving a five-year-old with an eleven-year-old who threatened daily he’d hitch a ride to the airport. His mind was damaged and the world he knew had moved on without him. He had to get outside and run, hard and fast until his lungs burned and calves cramped. So he did. This morning, though, he runs for pure enjoyment, that rush of adrenaline that comes as the miles build. Because this time, his boys are safe, sleeping soundly under their aunt’s roof. He slips on his iWatch, swipes over a text message from Thomas without bothering to read it, and preps the settings for
• 30. CHAPTER 22 CARLOS Five Years Ago August 16 Los Gatos, California Lunch with the Tierneys was . . . awkward. Catherine kept up a steady chatter during the meal of grilled salmon and summer greens. She sat at the end on my left, opposite her husband, Hugh. Natalya, who picked at her fish like a bird, sat on my right, her hand clutching my thigh. I didn’t think anyone at the table was comfortable and I knew Natalya was having second thoughts about my spending time with Aimee. I was, and I sure hadn’t expected to have an audience when I met with her. Aimee sat across from Natalya. She didn’t look at either of us, and she didn’t participate in the conversation. Ian was opposite me. He didn’t take his eyes from me as Catherine peppered me with questions. How many children do you have? What are their ages? What sports do they like? Do you enjoy Mexico? Are you still painting? What do you paint? Safe questions, that is until Ian leaned forward on his elbows and clasped his hands. “Why are you
• 31. CHAPTER 23 JAMES Present Day June 28 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii After a quick excursion with Marc back to the art and toy store, where they purchase paints, brushes, acrylics, canvases, and portable easels because there’s no better time than the present to start Marc’s art gallery, they return to Natalya’s. James pulls into the driveway behind a truck that’s seen its share of saltwater. Three surfboards angle up from the rear bed. Julian’s shooting hoops with an older man whose long, athletic strides and sinewy frame forecast the body Julian’s growing into. Gale Hayes, retired world-class surfer and the owner of Hayes Boards. This man is his son’s grandfather. His father-in-law. He’s also the one Carlos punched in his face at his wedding. For once, he’s thankful he can’t remember. Gale catches Julian’s rebound and pitches him the basketball as James cuts the engine. He squints at the car, hand raised to block the high sun. James exits the car, and Gale, lowering his arm, approaches him wit
• 32. CHAPTER 24 CARLOS Three Years Ago July 11 Puerto Escondido, Mexico The sky was a patchy blue. Outside, shadows came and went, while inside, the interior light held an even brightness throughout the studio. Perfect for mixing colors. I added cerulean blue and emerald green to my palette and mixed the two colors with a touch of titanium white to soften the tone. I inhaled deeply. Pigment fumes, a pungent blend of octane, damp earth, and magnolia flowers, filled my sinuses. The odor sent a rush through my head. Painter’s high, I thought, smirking. The color wasn’t exactly right, so I added a fingernail size of cerulean blue. A satisfied warmth moved over me as I watched the color blend into the hue I’d set out to achieve. Slender hands curved around my waist, glided up my ribs to my chest. Long, delicate fingers undid a button, and then another. They dived under the edge of my shirt and caressed my skin. My heart pounded under those wandering fingers. Blood pulsed to my center and my brea
• 33. CHAPTER 25 JAMES Present Day June 28 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii James stands outside Natalya’s office debating whether he should interrupt her. She obviously returned. He can hear her on the phone. He can’t stand the thought he’s the reason she was upset earlier. He doesn’t know how he’ll make her feel better, but he wants to see that quirky half smile on her face again. But her voice rises with determination. She’s in the middle of negotiating the price on something so now is not the time to disturb her. He returns to Marc’s room and selects an assortment of paints, brushes, blank canvases, and the portable easels. He heads for the lanai, passing Julian in the main room, who’s sprawled on the couch. Headphones clamped over his ears and feet propped on the couch arm, his fingers fly across his phone’s screen. A multicolored beach ball sits waiting on his stomach. Julian slips off the headphones when he sees him and holds out his phone. “This guy keeps texting me. Says he’s Uncle Thomas. He
• 34. CHAPTER 26 CARLOS Three Years Ago July 21 Puerto Escondido, Mexico I swirled a brush through the cadmium yellow and tried to focus on the final touches of a painting a local restaurant had commissioned. Another sunset to match the other three in a private dining room: El otoño, El invierno, and La primavera. Autumn, winter, and spring. I’d deliver El verano in a few weeks, once the canvas dried. Sweat dotted my brow and pooled in my lower back, just above the waist of my jeans. The air conditioner was working overtime but it was still hot as a mother inside the studio. I fanned my shirt. The headache didn’t help either, although it no longer felt like the sledgehammer it had been. I finally went to the clinic for a prescription after last week’s blackout. The doctor reasoned dizziness and dehydration caused the blackout and my headaches were from stress. But I hadn’t told him my full story, and, ten days later, I was still shaken by the ordeal. So was Julian. Every day since, he’d aske
• 35. CHAPTER 27 JAMES Present Day June 28 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii They dine on the lanai under a darkening sky with the heady scent of barbecue in the air. During the meal, talk is lively between his sons and their grandmother and grandfather. Gale and Julian compare their rides on the waves; then Marc takes his turn sharing his first experience using “grown-up” paints. In between steaks cooked to perfection and ice cream for dessert, Claire enlightens the table about her travels to Italy. She became an expert at haggling over furniture prices. Other than a smile or small exclamation to acknowledge a feat Julian or Marc shares with the group, Natalya has been quiet. James also notices she intentionally sat between his sons. He’d deliberately set her plate beside his, hoping for a chance to talk with her, but she moved it to another place setting when he went back to the grill for Gale’s steak. After dinner, Natalya kisses the kids good night and escapes to the kitchen. James takes them to th
• 36. CHAPTER 28 CARLOS Seven Months Ago November 27 Puerto Escondido, Mexico Señora Carla seemed unusually bothered by the dry heat. She was especially weary of the crowds. Last summer, Julian had convinced her to visit during Fiestas de Noviembre, so Carla moved up her usual holiday stay in Puerto Escondido by several weeks. The torneo de surf was this weekend. Tourists packed the beaches, streets, and restaurants. Hoping to give her some reprieve from the tournament’s noise, traffic, and the day’s weather, I invited her to the gallery. Upstairs, after cleaning up from a workshop, we decided to spend the remainder of the afternoon painting. Unfortunately, my air conditioner was dying and the ceiling fans only moved stagnant, warm air. Carla stared beyond the blank canvas, her eyes glazed and skin flushed. She fanned her blouse, a bright flamingo-colored linen, and patted her damp hairline and neck with a folded hand towel. She sighed, exasperated, and set aside her still-clean paintbrush b
• 37. CHAPTER 29 JAMES Present Day June 29 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii and San Jose, California Short on time, James packs frantically. Natalya comes into the room with two steaming mugs of coffee as he comes out of the bathroom. He tosses his toiletries case into the packed suitcase on the bed. “What time’s your flight?” “Eight forty-five.” He has two hours. “Oh! We’ve got to hurry.” She sets down the mugs. “It’ll take at least forty-five minutes to get to the airport.” “I’ve called a cab.” “Are you sure?” The hesitation in her tone has James glancing up from where he’s zipping closed the roller. Natalya rubs her hands. Her gaze flutters from him to the suitcase. She chews her lower lip and he slowly straightens. “I’m coming back,” he says quietly. “I know, it’s just . . .” She looks away and traces one of the mug’s rims where the coffee sits on the desk. “It’s just what?” “Is it shameful for me to admit I’m scared?” He could write the book on shame. “No.” Because he was scared himself. “Trust m
• 38. CHAPTER 30 CARLOS Seven Months Ago November 29 Puerto Escondido, Mexico How can you trust anyone if you can’t trust yourself? Carla’s question had been haunting me for two days. When I first learned the truth about my condition, there was no doubt in my mind I’d always be Carlos. I’d already been in a fugue state for nineteen months when Aimee appeared. Truth was, I’d been in denial. The enormity of my situation hadn’t sunk in. Days and months passed, and so did that belief, disappearing like mist over the ocean with the rising sun. With the headaches, the blackout, and Natalya’s discussion with Dr. Feinstein, it became apparent that my mind was in the process of healing. The question was no longer if I surfaced from the fugue state, but when, and how, and where. This unknown scared me. I trusted Natalya to care for my sons. She’d keep them safe and raise them far away from the Donato family should, God forbid, James—rather, I—not want the responsibility. I trusted Julian to watch over
• 39. CHAPTER 31 JAMES Present Day June 30 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii Thomas peers around the flight attendant leaning over James. “Nightmare? You were wigging out the other passengers.” The flight attendant rests a hand on his shoulder. “Would you like a cup of coffee?” James straightens his rumpled shirt and sits up in his seat. “Yeah, that would be great.” He barely slept last night and as soon as the plane took off, he crashed. Thomas shows James his empty Bloody Mary glass. “I’m getting a refill.” He walks to the front of the first-class cabin, leaving James to shake off his exhaustion and disorientation. His hands are shaking, his pulse still pounding. That nightmare was a doozy. He hasn’t thought about his father and their meetings with the belt in years. Memories best forgotten, he thinks, searching for his phone in his carry-on. His fingers find the envelope Natalya gave him and he pulls that out instead. His name is written on the front. Odd that Carlos’s handwriting is different from
• 40. EPILOGUE CLAIRE Six Months Ago December 17 Puerto Escondido, Mexico Claire Donato was tired of the oppressive heat of Puerto Escondido and the endless trail of ants marching up her walls. She was tired of the sunburns and the sand that always found its way into the wrong places. And she was tired of her grandsons calling her Señora Carla. What a dreadful name. Why she picked that one, she has no idea. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. She never intended to interact with her son and grandchildren. She just wanted to observe, to see with her own eyes what Thomas finally confessed. Her youngest son was alive, but for his safety he had to remain hidden in plain sight. Don’t interact, do not engage, Thomas had told her as if he were some sort of government agent. Well, she’d visited Puerto Escondido more times than she imagined, and she’d let Thomas’s charade go on long enough. She was sick and tired and disgusted from lying. Her son James—even though he didn’t know yet he was her son b
• 41. EPILOGUE CARLOS Six Months Ago December 17 Puerto Escondido, Mexico Carlos let himself in through the glass slider as he always did when he visited his neighbor. “Señora Carla?” he called. Classical music played softly. Vases of freshly cut flowers from the local market colored the room and perfumed the home’s artificially chilled air, as did the faint chemical scent of pigment. Carla had been painting earlier. “Carla?” he called again. He heard a faint noise in the other room, like a pen tapping on a desktop. He followed the sound through the great room and into the den. Carla wasn’t there but her laptop was powered up and on her desk. He’d quickly check into its wireless-connection issue then leave her a note. He was already late for a meeting with a new client at the gallery. The mayor had commissioned a painting for city hall. Carlos jiggled the mouse before realizing the Skype app was already open with a connected call. A man dressed in an orange jumpsuit sat on the other side, le
• 42. EPILOGUE JAMES Present Day July 31 Hanalei, Kauai, Hawaii James fills another bucket alongside Marc and flips its end over. He lifts the bucket slowly so the damp sand retains the shape. “Put another one here, papá.” Marc points to the far corner of the castle they built together. “You got it, kiddo.” James shovels sand back into his bucket. After they set up the second tower, James cranes his neck, gazing off in the distance where Natalya and Julian are surfing. The waves are heavy today, thanks to an offshore storm. Perfect for riding, Julian told them. Today is probably the last afternoon for some time for Julian to surf. They’ve been living with Natalya for more than a month. Thanks to the Silicon Valley real estate market, his house sold quickly in Los Gatos and well over the asking price. He should start looking for a condo, but it’s been nice staying with Natalya. He transferred his belongings to her room several weeks ago and she wants them to move in permanently. They still ne
• 43. COMING JULY 2018 EVERYTHING WE GIVE
• 44. AUTHOR’S NOTE In January 2016, CNN reported that Mexico released figures on the country’s drug war, which it had been aggressively fighting since 2006. It was estimated that at least eighty thousand people had been killed between 2006 and 2015. Drug cartels continue to fight over territories, and many drug-related deaths go unreported. Many more people are missing or have simply disappeared. While Mexico has had a witness protection program in place, it wasn’t until 2012 that president Felipe Calderón signed into law a measure that expanded the program’s benefits. For their protection, crime victims and witnesses are now eligible to receive new identities.
• 45. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This book is for each and every reader of Everything We Keep, for traveling with Aimee on her journey to find James—and herself along the way. Thank you for reading and sharing my passion for this series. I hope you enjoyed James’s story and can breathe a sigh of relief. He and his sons finally got their happily ever after. The writing community is a tremendous network. There is always an accessible expert to tap somewhere. Many thanks to these authors and attorneys, for either their knowledge or pointing me to the right resource: Kasey Corbit, Matt Knight, and Catherine McKenzie. Thanks for answering my crazy questions, from trade-based laundering and property seizure to child custody, immigration, and foreign adoption laws. Any mistakes are mine and for the purpose of making the information work within the story. For my dear friend and critique partner Orly Konig-Lopez, thank you for the calls and e-mails as I brainstormed story ideas back in this book’s infancy. For
• 46. BOOK CLUB DISCUSSION QUESTIONS Everything We Keep ended with James surfacing from the fugue state. What did you think happened next? Did you expect him to return to California with his sons? How do you think James handled his relationship with Aimee? Should he have pursued her, or was he right to let her go? Claire showed up in Mexico only to observe her son, but ends up not only interacting with him, she returns every summer and Christmas holiday. She obviously didn’t want Carlos to know who she was for fear he’d send her away. Why do you think she kept coming back after the way she treated James? Were you surprised she was an artist, too? As Carlos, James put a huge burden on his son Julian. Not only did James prepare Julian for his possible change, but he asked Julian to help him become a father again. Considering Julian’s age at the time (eleven), did James do the right thing? If you were in a similar situation, how would you have prepared your children? Julian remarked that older
• 47. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Photo © 2013 Deene Souza Photography Kerry Lonsdale is the Wall Street Journal and #1 Amazon Kindle bestselling author of Everything We Keep and All the Breaking Waves. She resides in Northern California with her husband and two children. Learn more about Kerry at www.kerrylonsdale.com.